chocolatemilk and joy division

had the best day.
we left my room for about 15 minutes to go to tesco and buy an obscene amount of unhealthy food.
then we just laying in my room. watching french films. sleeping. listening to joy division. eating brownies with BnJ. drinking chocolatemilk. drinking lemonade. eating crisps. eting cheesesticks. eating chocolate. eating bread and creame cheese.
we are so disgusting.

watch out

about the whole watch thing. I must just say that C isn't exaggerating. The guy is really wierd. She texted him that she wanted her watch back. he answered that he didnt like that she didnt wanna have sex with him. completely off topic. she answered that he could just keep it (cus he was so creepy) and he answered "too bad to end it like this" or something like that and that it was bcus she didnt wanna have sex with him. eh, akward!

anyways. we never ran into modelguy yesterday. Too bad! I kinda wondered where everyone were, didnt really see anyone I recognized. Oh well we met Ste, haha! just wandering around with a tiny umbrella. He's the cutest! and we met some nice guys with the most extreme fringes. cant really recall what we talked about tho.

but we got home like 6am, quite early. what happened to us afterpartying until 9am and then stagger home after a couple of hours sleep in an unknowned bed? but oh.. that was me a week ago!

break my heart on a gay bar

I thought it was kind of weird when Cs dad called this morning and she told him she had been on a gaybar last night. mainly cus I wouldnt tell my parents that. (and thats mainly cus they wouldnt ask.) C said that it was a good thing to say cus it sound like your not out to pick up guys, it sound like your just out to dance and have fun.

thing is tho, this kinda made me think about the whole gaybar thing. I never really thought about that..people might think we are gay when we go to a gay bar. There was a guy last night who asked me if we were gay and and thought it was kinda funny, like "do I look gay?". but its kinda resonable. to be gay in a gaybar. anyways. the thing is that there is quite a lot straight ppl there to. not that I dont like gay gays and girls. they are fab! I love hanging out with them.

my point is just... that even in a gay bar you can get your heart broken.

the story about my watch pt III

when me and Q were waiting for the tube I came up with the best revenge ever to mr dickhead. he has this ridiculosly cool "friend" (or, they are at least friends on facebook, and everyone knowswho he is) who is a model (and sooo much more succesfull then mr dickhead!) and very.... interesting. he is always round and about everywere were we are. it would just be so much fun if i went home with him. the only thing mr dickhead wanted (but couldnt get) from me was sex, and it would just be so fun to have it with this other guy. cus i know that he would found out. and i know that it would bother him. he would wonder why and start thinking about what was wrong with him. hahahahahaha.

part II of my watch-story

okay. that mr dickhead texted me back. and i hate him EVEN MORE now. what the fuck is up with him? something is really wrong with that guys brain.
he basically wants me to have sex with him in exchange of my own fucking watch.

AND.
last night. Q had mr swedish guys number, so we called and called. he sent us a wierd text back, and then stopped anserwing. we explained the situation for him, that i just want my fucking watch. but no anserw. we sent a really rude text saying that we will be keep calling him. haha. okay, at least i can see the fun part in it. but what the fuck is up with everyone????? fucking watchstealers! i hate you guys! im soooo fucking angry!!!! okay, i have been steeling things from people at afterpartys, and that is kind of fun, but its just embarrassing when i clearly want them back!
or maybe he had a girl there last night? the swedish guy. that would be the only acceptable reason... well, im fucking pissed of anyway!
and wtf shall i anserw to mr dickheads text?! aaaaaaaaaarggghhh, i hate boys!!!

(not walter, tho. such a cute guy that we met last night! never got to change number, tho.. and the cutest little swedish gay boy ever, the funniest thing is that he came up to us and we talked for like 15 min whitout even realizing that he was swedish! he had the most fabouluse big golden earrings from portobelloroad. very sweet!)

C

all over again

we're lying on my floor again. drinking wine again. listening to music again.
eating ice cream again. discussing deep shit again. laughing like crazy again.
Its friday again.
Hope it will be a fucking good one.

im gonna get myself another glas of wine and forget about time

i hate him. that arrogant dickhead, and he is a fucking stealer to!

okey. the story in a short version.
i bought the most lovely watch. wore it everyday for two months. got thousands of compliments for it. forgot it at an afterparty at a swedish guys house on my birthday, i sort of had a threesome (or, im not sure) with the guy included, so i dont really feel comfortable with just knocking on his door, and i dont have his number.
a couple of days after i bought another watch. it was truly amazing to, not as nice as the first one, and not as special, but it was much better quality and sort of a classic one. came home to mr dickhead (yes, that is ten-years-older-then-me-guys new name) and happend to forget it at his place. nothing wrong with that. but now. he havent texted me for ages and ages, witch is unusual. so i thought, why not do it myself, and texted him. i dont text people like that. i wait for people to text me. i very very much want to text people, but i never do, because i think its cool to be a bit hard to get. (yes, im the biggest nerd ever) but i texted him. i texted him once, last night. no anserw. i texted him today, in the morning, no anserw. its ben 24 fucking hours. that fucking bastard is steeling my watch! yes, im upset. not just because of the watch. because of his behavior! okej, he could have been at work today. but anyway! and its my second watch on less then a month... AND i lost my camera on NYE. and my oyster card which i had 100 pounds on. pissed!
i think im gonna start stalking him. i mean, im obviusly gonna see him as soon as i go out east. and he should know that. its just embarrassing for him when he´s gonna see me.
(haha, sometimes i just laugh at myself, normal people should prob think that it would be embarrassing for me, since i texted and he just didnt give a fuck. but i just think that it is pretty funny that i am the mature one in this situation)
and yes, i should probebly be better of not to care that much. but i just want my fucking watch!

quote from my favourite pub on portobello rd.

its warm inside the nightclub,

your face is lit up by a discolight

i dont want to go home alone, not tonight

i have a picture of a man who used to sit in that chair

i will go anywhere

just as long as im with someone

you will do, just take me home for tea

i will be gone when you wake up

no embarrassing breakfast, i swear

dont you look for me

because i could be anywhere

in someone elses house

in someone elses arm

with someone else to warm the pain away

but on the other hand; its fucking friday!! the day we have all been waiting for, and im skipping school today to.... catch up with some homework, haha. but tonight, on the other hand is gonna be pretty something! (i hope?)

take me out, tonight, where there's music and there's people and they're young and alive

being without a job again meens I can do pretty much anything I want.
I went to a meeting today though, and I might get a job again soon.. which meens I have to do as much I as can, while I can!! but..what do I wanna do?
just off the top of my head.. I wanna get drunk and meet fab and fun people.
so. I think Ill try to do that tonight

we came here to do shitty jobs monday-friday and live like kings and queens on the weekends

the reason why i dont update that much during the week is because i have a shitty job and im studying at the same time, so i dont have anything to blog about. anything at all.
all i ever wish is that i wouldent need to work. that i had enaugh money to just wonder around, do nothing, drink red wine in the bath, learn how to play the guitar, buy a old and charming flat and decorate it just the way i want to, spend days and days at tiny little vintage-shops, drink beer and smoke weed in the park, get a cat, read very complicated books, take lots of pictures, go out five days a week, kiss to many boys and just live life. but i cant. at least not for now.
and that makes me a bit sad.

the way i wanna love you, well it could be against the law

well, when me and the photagrapher/jesus-looking-guy went home to his place this thursday we talked and talked about life, and he said that he think that i have a lot of barriers in my head. he also asked if i dont have that much experience of love and death.

and that made me realize something. i dont. i have never really loved anyone. and i have never really lost anyone either. i feel like such a baby. i have always seen myself as a person with a lot of experience. but not.

but on the other hand. another guy told me last week that there is something so very innocent with me. i was a bit upset, but then he said that that is what makes me so exciting.

or maybe, im just thinking to much..

C

my delirium

so, about my thursday.


It all started at my place. more bottles of wine than we were ppl. c fell of the chair. swe friend fell of the bed. twice. I didnt fall then, but later on I fell, oh yes, I fell!


anyways. got to catch. great as always. it was quite random that I met the guy from the swap party, and he wore my shirt! he had cut it off tho. I hung out quite a lot with him and his friends.. I think. when it closed, Im not quite sure what happened but C ran away with jesus looking guy (haha!) and me and our swedish friend headed to an afterparty with some french ppl. It was a embarassing episode on the bus. when I also had my fall. Im not gonna tell the whole thing. but I didnt feel very good. french ppl were the cutest tho. we got to their place. they made us pizza. then we pretty much sat and talked, drank, smoked and listened to music. danced a bit. tried to speak french, cus it was like five french people and us. and a japanese guy. but our french is not the best.
around five we decided to head home.

non of us felt very good friday.

but saturday tho. started in C place. somehow the last I saw of C was lying on her bed with her cat on her hip. we took off.. and there was a restaurant.. it was joiners.. it was random but familiar people. it was that other place across from joiners. and then there was the afterparty. to be honest, I was fucking stoned. I talked constantly for like three hours. i had so much fun, but Im not quite sure if everyone else enjoyed it as much tho, haha! but one of em called me last night, so I cant have been totally horrible I guess..

it was quite weird to wake up and..wearing thaiboxing shorts. like, what the fuck happened last night?

jesus, where do i start?

i dont know why i always feel so empty and alone on sundays, but i do. always. and it is just getting worse weekend after weekend. lying in my bed now, with the cat on my feet and listening to new york i love you but youre bringing me down on repeat.

thinking a bit of sweden. will i ever go back? can i ever go back? i dont think that things ever could be the same there now, after everything that has happend here.

i found some old pictures of when me and Q were sitting on the beach, drinking bear and smoking cigars that i stole from my work. it feels like yesterday, but i guess that its almost three years ago now.

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour

like C already revealed, I dont have a job anymore, which I love!
however, Im a bit broken today. last night was fucking crazy. dont even know where to start, haha! but I got like three hours of sleep so I really need to go to bed now... Ill tell the whole story tomorrow. or at least most of it. oh and should tell you about my thursday! quite crazy aswell.

brightening up

i forgot the funniest thing ever! Q lost her job. just like that. they didnt need her anymore. and she was soo freaking happy about it, so we had to celebrate that this thursday.
everything is back to normal now. Q doesnt have a job, my swedish friend is going back to sweden and im all on my own in my little room, but the people that i live with are comming home tonight. and school starts again tomorrow. a its been a fucking great half-term.

the thing with happiness is...... that its boring.

its ben a while. i feel like shitt, i know that i say so all the time, but now, i really really do. havent even ben out for two days.
my friend from sweden is leaving today. she is at some kind of afterparty now, just called her and it sounded like pretty something. with the guys that i used to afterparty with. and im in my bed.

this tuesday i went to that ten-years-older-then-me-guy again. we were all sober and we didnt take any drugs at all, that felt very strange. but i know that it was the last time i was there, tho. had that feeling. that is a bit sad, cus i liked him so much as a friend, he was the most fun person to be with. jsut not more then that..
wednesday was all good with lots of partying and a bit shopping and sightsing. (my gud i sound like im.. 40. sightsing?) and then thursday was supergreat. spended the day with watching stoned, the movie about brian jones in rolling stones. really good. and fun. then we went to Qs house for dinner, my goal was to be drunk before eight a clock, by seven a clock i fell down from the kitchen chair. we went to catch, met some people from the weekend, met som new people and just had a good time. met this photagrapher and we went back to his place. he had ben taking some mazing pictures that he showed me. we smoked a lot of weed and talked about life naked in his bed. such a good night. i was slightly dying the day after, tho.

pieces of what

haha, freakin amazing! Im up.
its 7.30.
on a thursday.

it was not a regular night at the beloved art club tho. where did all the ppl come from? and ofc, our visiting friend was there aswell! haha, shes the best.
must say that it was quite hilarious when C came up to me, totally devastated cus her bag and coat were gone. then she found them.
in the cloakroom.

I heart

suger town

I cant help being a bit absent. my new job is killing me. Im not made to work.

and my sis been here visiting. we are very different.

anyways. weekend was not too bad. not as crazygood as it could have been,(or well, not as "waking up naked next to other naked ppl and finding my clothes all covered in beer and not knowing who that guy is and still being kinda stoned" kind of crazy) but good. cant help but loving and hating the gaybar. loving cus everyone is sooo nice and sweet and fab and good looking. and hating cus everyone is so sweet and nice and fab and good looking and GAY! Which meens I cant have them. Why oh why?

and ye, the annoying girl kinda wrecked the whole thing. that was such a shame, could have been so fucking awsome!

haha, and apparantly, Im pal with a pusher. My pusher. Since when do I have one? Since this sunday morning I would guess.

london i love you, but you´re bringing me down

the weekend was good, even tho it didnt turn out the way i thought/hoped. people who wasnt suppose to be there were there. like the most annoying girl i know.
but, at least we spent valentines on a gay bar holding a heartshaped balloon and getting nice compliments from all the lovely gentlemens. and that is pretty something!
my friend is comming over for a coupple of days now. its gonna be crazy, i hope. tomorrow night i have a date, wednesday night i waaant to have the bartender at the art club, thursday night we are going catch and then whoop whoop; weekend again!!

hurry hurry

its saturday night, Q is on her way here with some wine and shitt, we are going soho tonigt, first soho and then east, ofc.
im gonna make Q take lots and lots of pictures of me tonigt.

better than sleeping in my bed

oh my. this morning I was an hour late for work. I got in by ten.
bout 5 hours earlier I was wandering the street of fucking nowhere, cus I fell asleep on the bus.
and a couple of hours before that I stood by the bar, singing there is a light that never goes out waaay too loud (not all by myself I though!)
and two hours or so before that I finished my first bottle of wine. or was it my second?
oh, what the fuck. last night could have been a lot more boring.
I could have been sleeping.
at home.
and get up in time for work.

kiss the bartender from me

staying in tonight, still feeling a bit awful and saving some money. but, Q, i expect a full report when u are comming home tonight!

closer to 60 then to 0

i hate him for not anserwing my texts, but i love it so much anyway! it makes me frustrated and it makes me wonder what tha fuck is up with him, and i like that, because i hate guys that text me all the time.
i was kind of expecting a text like the day after, since he is so fucking polite all the time, but no.

he texted me today. he calls me babyface. i hate it in the same time as i love it. it reminds me that he is 10 years older than me. (no, i cant stop repeating that) he is wondering if i have any plans on saturday. ofc i do.

the story of my life

i was the lead-singer of a band
i took too much drugs
i died young

(happy now, E?)

kate moss is also really really old, but she is fucking hot anyway!

really really wierd weekend. lost my phone, was missing for like 17 hours that i spent far away in a house with a guy and it was all oh so blurry. watching movies, drinking to much, taking to much shitt, having wierd conversations, eating to much chocolate and pretend that we were 15 again. but we are not. (he is actually twice that age.....)
and then, saturday. was on the list for some really posh club with an open bar. came there, drank some free drinks and left. not much of a saturday night, tho.
(cant wait for next weekend, swapp-o-rama!)

now; eating ben n jerys in my bed. just realized that I havent had a proper meal since wednesday. yesterday was the worst.
breakfast: a pear,
lunch: some chocholate,
supper: a bottle of wine.

C

sunday blues

this weekend havent been much fun.
C went missing.
couldnt go out friday.
couldnt go where I wanted to go saturday.

ah whatever. theres a new one in a week.

get me away im dying / fun facts

and just for everyones information; there was blood in my wee this morning

i prefer cocain

C said the most hilarious thing last week btw.. we talked about drugs. and she said:
"ah, whatever, some cocain never killed anyone!"
and this was just hours after:
"what's the next step? Being in a porno movie without noticing?"
C: Yes, cocain has killed people!
And how can you be in a porno without noticing?
haha, I love it!

blood sweat and tears

okeey, my nose is totaly fucked up.
this is actually a bit scary. i have had noseblood about five times today. not just regular blood, thick disgusting and lumpy blood. it is freaking me out.
the scariest thing is that it comes from my mouth too. when i was spitting yesterday, i spitted up a fucking cup of blood in a bowl next to my bed. (i knooooow, i am fucking disgusting, even more disgusting for telling you!!)
i so scared i wont even go out tonight. and its wednesday.
havent been out since saturday. because i know what will happen. i will get to fucked up. i will do things that are not good.
so. im better off staying in.
(look what that extra year did to me, im fucking sooo mature!)

barley legal

bout Cs guy. his age I meen.
I remember when I was 16 and made out with this guy. he later told me his age and I thought he was freaking old.
He was 22.
6 yrs older. What a youngster!
10 yrs. Now we're talking!

tuesday morning

oh, btw, there is this guy that i have been with, and last weekend me and Q guessed his age.. we agreed that he might be born 1987, that was reasonable.
yesterday i found out, he is fucking 29 years old!! how could we be 7 years wrong?
i told him that he is the oldest man i have ever kissed. he looked at me and said; oh, C, i dont know what to anserw on that one...
at least, this makes me feel quite young again.

if I had a heart

Im not quite sure what happened the last couple of nights. I woke up in weird places. said weird things. met weird people and did weird stuff.
Cant say that I remember everything. Definitly not. Im kinda waiting for feelings of guilt or regret to hit me. But theres nothing. Do I have a conscience at all?
Haha, think not!
I remember having fun, thats all I need!
Maybe feel a bit bad about all the money I spent. But then my credit card broke today so I guess that meens I wont be able to use any money for a while. which kinda makes up for it.
Q

love will tear us apart

i feel like shitt. my nose is running, my head is hurting and it feels like im breathing with a straw in my throat. i have bruises and scratches all over my legs. it hurts quite bad.
but i got the best score out of everyone in my class on the exam i did this friday. very happy about that.
and i had a fab birthday, i got to know so many new nice people. and, yes, i went home to the model guy..... but just for a cup of tea, a movie, some guitarplaying, trying on some of his clothes, looking at his art, and then falling asleep in a very cosy position. waking up, taking a shower, eating hot porrige, lying down in the bed, listening to joy division for a while. then he had to go to work and i went off to the girls in soho. (cant belive that, sounds like im a fucking retard, haha! what ever happend to have sex and go home before anyone wakes up?)

but what happend before that, have i really no idea about..... or, well, there was a birthdayparty in a small little flat with all of my best friends. there was so much rum and coke that i might have to change my favourite thing to order in the bar. there was deeptalking, dancing, eating cake, opening presents etc. then, it all got blurry.
just that kind of blurry that i love.

we are all made of stars

its been a fucking crazy weekend.. or wed-saturday.

it was Cs birthday saturday. we spent a good deal of it lying on my floor and sleep.

the night was another story though. I felt exhausted but theres only Cs birthday once a year..

however. right now I just wanna get some sleep.